We are social beings and do not live in isolation. Cancer does not happen to only one person. Cancer's impact will be felt in your whole social circle. There is little you can do to protect your loved ones or shield them from the reality of cancer. The same can be said for those who try to “protect" us from inevitable upsetting events. The best we can do is to be there for one another and be honest about what we are experiencing. We will likely develop fears about the future; when these feelings are expressed it is easier to cope.
It is important that we are able to talk about our feelings of fear, uncertainty; even guilt if we think we somehow caused the illness. Be clear about this, you did not cause your illness. The etiology of cancer is multi-faceted. It is caused by many factors coming together at the same time, and you are not to blame. Many feelings and issues arise for everyone involved. The ability to communicate freely in a safe environment is crucial to healing. Your feelings are your feelings; they are neither right nor wrong. It is important that you find people who can really hear you and understand. People in support groups are great because they are dealing with many of the same issues.
Some people may feel pessimistic or frightened while you are trying to remain hopeful. People handle things in different ways. Some people are more optimistic than others. Talking about differences in an atmosphere of trust will help. It is human nature to avoid situations which cause fear and pain, but avoiding these feelings may make the situation worse. If you or your loved ones are having trouble sharing your feelings with one another you may want to consider counseling or therapy. My breast cancer diagnosis prompted me to attend many therapy sessions, which proved to be very helpful and healing.
When someone has cancer, normal family routines are disrupted. Even in the most loving families, it is normal to feel some resentment when one member is ill and not able to do what they have always done. Sometimes we refuse to give up some of our responsibilities because it is difficult to admit that we can no longer do those things. Anger and resentment are just around the corner, especially if the situation continues for a long time. I remember at one point my daughter saying to me, "I'm just sick and tired of you always being sick and tired." Said in a compassionate way, this opened the door to a long and healing discussion.
Our greatest joy and our greatest discomfort come from interacting with others. Open, honest, compassionate communication helps us to get along better with others, and to get more of our needs met. Sometimes it's enough to have a shoulder to lean on, or an ear to listen.
Communication is a bridge that runs both ways. If I want the bridge to connect, I must reach out to the other. At the same time, I need to be a good listener. A good listener is one who listens with eyes and heart, as well as ears.
Reaching out can be difficult during a crisis. There are times when it all becomes too much to handle. Families may be unable to cope for a variety of reasons, many not directly related to cancer. For some people, family members live far away. Some don't have family to call on. In these circumstances, there are community agencies that can help. As a person with cancer, you are not alone. There are people who are willing and able to help. Ask your doctor, staff at the cancer clinic, friends, colleagues or anyone who could help and can give you the information you need. Ask about support groups (such as the Winnipeg Ostomy Chapter) available in your community. Take charge of your healing and develop supportive relationships.
(Cathy Fenwick is an author, educator, and workplace consultant. She develops and delivers workshops and keynotes on how to get more healthy humour into your life and your work. Her books and manuals include Healing with Humour, Workscapes: Keeping Spirit Alive at Work, Building Bridges: The Heart of Effective Communication and Hope for People Facing Cancer. Check out Cathy's web site at www.healingwithhumour.com)
