Q: What does HMO stand for?
A: This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Dr. Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he were poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern medicine has replaced the poke in the eye with outsourced claims handlers who keep rejecting claims for the same reason while telling you they will really fix the last person's error this time.
Q: Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-approval?
A: No. Only those procedures that are not on our list of pre-approved procedures need to be pre-approved.
Q: I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A: Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors mostly fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer a part of the plan. There are a few exceptions, but if you look closely you will see that their diplomas are either photocopies or have Sally Struthers' signature on it.
Q: What are pre-existing conditions?
A: This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.
Q: Can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A: It doesn't hurt to ask them. Maybe while they are wiping the tears from their eyes from laughing so hard, they will hit the wrong key while they are punching it in.
Q: What happens if I want to try alternative forms of treatment?
A: You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q: My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A: Poke yourself in the eye.
Q: What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A: Call your insurance company's 800 number and talk to their representative. Try and follow their complex instructions on how to get treatment that will be covered. And while you are traveling, buy some lottery tickets. Those odds should match the odds that your treatment will be paid for.
Q: Will health care be any different twenty-five years from now?
A: If your current income is at least six figures a year, chances are your health care will be much improved by then. You will feel younger every year as they unravel the secrets of DNA and the aging process. If you are in a lower income bracket, your health care will be exactly what it is today, except the equipment will look two decades older and it will cost twenty times as much.
